Consent means to agree to do something, or for something to happen. It’s a free and voluntary agreement that can be withdrawn at any point by anyone involved.

When you consent to something, it means you understand what’s happening, and you agree that you’re happy with that choice. It ensures that everyone involved feels safe and respected.

Try to encourage open and honest conversations about your expectations and your boundaries, and listen carefully to your partner, too.

What does consent look or sound like?

Consent can be verbal, such as saying “yes” or expressing pleasure (“that feels good”). It can also be physical, like showing positive body language, touching, or initiating contact. Both forms work, but it’s important to communicate clearly and not make assumptions. If you’re not sure, ask. There’s nothing wrong with checking in to make sure both of you are on the same page and still want the same thing. Consent may look or sound different for everyone, but it needs to be clear, enthusiastic and certain. You also can’t assume someone consents because they don’t say no. Silence or umming and ahhing is not consent.

The NSW Department of Communities and Justice says:

“A person consents to a sexual activity if, at the time of the sexual activity, they freely and voluntarily agree to the sexual activity.

Consent must be present every time, including for the duration of any sexual act. Consent to one act does not mean consent is given to any other act. Consent to a sexual act with one person does not mean consent is given to a sexual act with a different person, or with the same person on a different occasion. Consent can be withdrawn at any time.

A person must say or do something to communicate consent. Consent can be communicated by words or gestures.”

Why do I need consent?

Consent should always be the first step when it comes to sex or sexual activity. It ensures that everyone involved is comfortable with what is going on. Everyone is responsible for asking and getting consent.

The legal side of consent

Consent isn’t just the right thing to do. It’s the law. Having sex or performing any sexual activity without someone’s consent is against the law. Consent can never be pressured, coerced, or forced. If someone hasn’t freely agreed and given consent, it’s sexual assault.

Read about consent laws in NSW here.

When do I need consent?

You need consent every single time that you have sex or take part in a sexual act with someone (from kissing to penetrative sex). Even if your partner consented yesterday, you still need their consent today (and every day). You also need their consent for every different type of sexual activity too. For example, If someone says yes to kissing, that does not mean they have said yes or given their consent to penetrative sex.

Do I still need consent if we’re in a relationship?

Yes! Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, seeing multiple people or it’s just a one-time hookup, you need consent every time.

What are some reasons someone may be unable to consent?

There are certain situations where a person cannot legally give consent. This includes when someone:

• is unconscious
• is asleep
• is so affected by drugs and alcohol that they cannot think clearly, make decisions or consent
• participates in the sexual activity because they feel forced, afraid, pressured, blackmailed or indimidated
• is tricked into participating or is incapable of consenting because of, for example, a cognitive impairment.

If you’re in a situation where you’re not 100% sure that you have consent, you need to stop. Engaging in any sexual activity without clear and voluntary consent is illegal.

What happens if I’m under 16?

In NSW, the age of consent is 16 years old. This is the same for most states of Australia, except Tasmania and South Australia, where the age of consent is 17.

The age of consent is to protect minors from being exploited by older people. Check out the Consent Labs series on consent laws around Australia to learn more.

You might ask directly or keep it flirty and fun, as long as it’s clear and there’s no pressure. Consent can be verbal, such as saying “yes” or expressing pleasure (“that feels good”). It can also be physical, like showing positive body language, touching, or initiating contact.

Finding the right words can feel awkward at first, but like any skill, it gets easier with practice. We’ve put together a bunch of examples to help get you started. Use them word for word or just for as inspo, whatever works for you.

Setting boundaries beforehand

• “I’ve tried this before, and did/didn’t enjoy it so I do/don’t want to do it again”
• “I’m really only wanting to do … tonight”

Setting new boundaries during sex

• “Do you want to keep going?”
• “I’m really enjoying this, I’d love to also … if you’re into it?”
• “Could I …?”

Changing your boundaries during sex

• “I know I said I wanted to do … but I’m not really in the mood to go there anymore”
• “We didn’t really talk about this before but I’m not really into doing …”
• “Can we adjust/slow down/calm things down”
• You’re still working out what you want
• “Let’s take it slow, I’m still working out what I like and I want to enjoy the process”
• “I’ll let you know when I’m uncomfortable, but please don’t rush me”
• “I’m really enjoying this but I’m not sure I want to go any further, so let’s keep going with this for now”
• You know what you want, but want to make sure the other person is on the same page
• “I would really like to … would you be into that?”
• “Please tell me if you’re not keen, that’s totally okay, but could we try …”
• “I’m ready to do … but I don’t want to rush you, so just so you know, you can let me know when you’re ready”

Checking in

You might notice something that makes you think your partner may not be entirely comfortable. Trust your intuition and ask, don’t ignore it.

• “Hey, you seem a little different, did you want to stop?”
• “Are you still vibing this?”
• “Does this feel good?”

Revoking consent

• “Stop.”
• “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
• “Okay, I’m not as into this as I thought before, I want to stop here”
• “Let’s take a break”
• “I’m suddenly not feeling well, can we stop please”

It’s also important to remember that consent isn’t a one-time check. It’s something you come back to, before, during and after sex or any sexual activity. Because what you want can change, and that’s completely OK. Maybe something feels different in the moment, maybe you’re just not into it anymore, whatever the reason, it’s valid and it deserves respect.

It’s completely normal for you or your partner to feel uncertain about sex. Sometimes people need time to work out what they’re comfortable with. That might mean yes one moment, maybe the next, or no later on. All of these are okay and deserve to be listened to.

If you’re not sure, watch this video.

What is sexual coercion?

In many cases of coercion, the other person holds power, such as someone like a teacher, landlord, boss, or colleague. But it can be anyone, a friend, a partner, a date, a stranger – although it’s more likely to happen with someone you already have some relationship with.

It can look like trying to wear you down by asking for sex, or sexual acts over and over again, outright threats, social pressure, emotional manipulation, badgering, guilt trips, denying affection, making you feel bad about yourself, insisting you have to follow through, over-the-top affection and compliments, not giving you the chance to say no, or making you feel obligated.

It may be that they make you feel like it’s too late to say no, you’re not allowed to change your mind; lying or threatening to spread rumours, photos or misinformation about you, making promises to reward you for sex, threatening you, or your job, home, school or career, or threatening to reveal your sexual orientation.

• “If you really loved me, you’d do it.”
• “Come on, it’s my birthday.”
• “You don’t know what you do to me.”
• “Everyone thinks we already have, so you might as well.”
• “I’ll tell everyone… unless you agree [to do something sexual].”

If someone has pressured you into doing something you don’t want to do, this is assault and you have every right to report this crime and press charges. No matter your age, experience and what happened, this was not your fault and if you want to talk with someone about what happened, this can be a counsellor, your local police or a trusted person who can help you make sure this doesn’t happen again.

If you ever need help, support is available. If you’re in a safe place and want to talk with someone about your experience you can contact a free confidential service, the numbers are below.

1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732

A 24-hour support line that provides support to people impacted by domestic, family and sexual violence.

NSW Health Sexual Assault Services

NSW Health has a network of specialist Sexual Assault Services (SAS) delivered by local health districts. Every local health district has a Sexual Assault Service that operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week. View a list of services here.

Lifeline Australia – 13 11 14

A 24-hour crisis support service that provides short term support at any time for people who are having difficulty coping or staying safe.

Kids Helpline – 1800 551 800

A free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25 years.

Speak to a sexual health nurse – 1800 451 624

You can also call a qualified sexual health nurse between 9am and 5:30pm Monday to Friday. All calls are confidential and free.