Hi @electricmemes,
This is a really big step in anyones life and sexual anxiety is perfectly natural and normal, especially when it is your first time.
It is great that you have been talking openly with your gf about this, as this is the first step in easing dissonance and setting expectations. While everyone and every experience is different, here a couple of tips i have found that can ease sexual anxiety:
1. Keep up the communication – before, during and after – Prioritise connection with your partner beyond just the act of sex. Building mutual trust and understanding is powerful and intimate in itself. You can take some of the pressure off by communicating about other things that aren’t about sex . I like to ask random questions to really get to know someone, beyond just the usual “what’s your favourite colour”. I have listed some of my favs below to give you an idea:
– What was one of the silliest things you thought or misunderstood as a kid?
– If you had a pet unicorn, what would you name it?
– What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
– What’s the strangest thing you have ever Googled?
Make each other laugh, feel heard and acknowledged. Focusing on sex alone can make the lead up incredibly stressful. These random bits of information not only help to build connection, but hopefully make you both laugh and relax.
2. Mindful Meditation – Focusing on your breathing and being in the moment may also help you. It is best not to draw direct comparisons between yourself what you think others have experienced. Shutting out the rest of the world and being present in the moment with your partner will allow you to figure out what works for both of you and what you can enjoy together.
3. The first time can be daunting – This is totally normal and your first time can be awkward, clumsy and bizarre. But it can also be exciting, empowering and wonderful. These conflicting emotions make it the experience feel like a bit of a roller coaster. Knowing that having sex for the first time is likely to feel new and strange is a first step in removing some of the awkwardness of it all.
4. Foreplay doesn’t have to be sexual – Try engaging in non-sexual intimacy first, such as hugs and touching non-erogenous zones (back-rubs, leg and arm massage). This can help ease you both into the experience and assist in it happening naturally. Set the pace together, and only move forward when you both feel ready.
5. You are not alone in this – As it it your gf’s first time too, she is probably worried about the very same things as you. It brings us back full circle to communications. Not just in the lead up to, but especially after. Check in and make sure she is ok, what she liked, what she didn’t like, and express your experience with her – it is not only about her pleasure and comfort, but also your own.
In addition to the above tips, I think it is also worth mentioning how incredibly thoughtful and considerate you are about such an event. This does not make you immature or uncool. In fact, the total opposite 🙂 Remember to have fun during the experience – enjoy it, learn from it and make the experience your own, in a way that makes you and her feel comfortable.
Wishing you and you gf all the best!
