So I made a post on here before about my sexual insecurities. Since then I’ve gotten better for sure, I’ve found a girlfriend and we’re planning to meet up (LDR) in about 3 months time and have our first time’s together at some point then. But I’ve still been getting a lot of anxiety about how it’s going to go. To be clear I have talked about this to my girlfriend too but I figured some advice from some more experienced people could also do me no harm.
I think it mainly stems from my perception of sex and sexual relationships. As I’ve stated before my inexperience made me feel very scared about my ability to satisfy a woman, and that they’d inevitably be driven away in favour of another guy who could do a way better job than me. I feel like it’s a very important thing I need to be good at. That’s definitely gotten better, particularly with my gf being a virgin too and thus putting us in the same boat, but the prospect of having sex is still incredibly intimidating to me all the same. I really do want to do it, the idea of taking care of my girlfriend and giving her such amazing feelings of pleasure in particular is what really drives me, but I also can’t help but wonder and worry what it’ll actually be like.
There’s also just…the physical act of having sex with someone. The whole thing just seems like such an intense prospect. I struggle to even make eye contact with people a lot of the time, so the prospect of being naked and so close up to another person…yeah it’s really really scary. I worry my body and mind won’t be able to take the whole thing, not in terms of me passing out, more like the whole thing being a disappointment for my girlfriend.
I also just feel stupid about the whole thing. Nearly everyone I know has had sex several times before no problem. It’s just a very natural thing for so many people so the fact I’m getting so worked up so so much just makes me feel very uncool, immature and far behind.
Does anyone have anything to offer? I have done some research on the sorts of things to be aware of on my first time, do’s and don’ts etc, so it’s not so much sex tips I’m after. More like…how to cope with first time anxiety in the best way possible, for anyone that knows what it’s like
This is a really big step in anyones life and sexual anxiety is perfectly natural and normal, especially when it is your first time.
It is great that you have been talking openly with your gf about this, as this is the first step in easing dissonance and setting expectations. While everyone and every experience is different, here a couple of tips i have found that can ease sexual anxiety:
1. Keep up the communication – before, during and after – Prioritise connection with your partner beyond just the act of sex. Building mutual trust and understanding is powerful and intimate in itself. You can take some of the pressure off by communicating about other things that aren’t about sex . I like to ask random questions to really get to know someone, beyond just the usual “what’s your favourite colour”. I have listed some of my favs below to give you an idea:
– What was one of the silliest things you thought or misunderstood as a kid?
– If you had a pet unicorn, what would you name it?
– What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
– What’s the strangest thing you have ever Googled?
Make each other laugh, feel heard and acknowledged. Focusing on sex alone can make the lead up incredibly stressful. These random bits of information not only help to build connection, but hopefully make you both laugh and relax.
2. Mindful Meditation – Focusing on your breathing and being in the moment may also help you. It is best not to draw direct comparisons between yourself what you think others have experienced. Shutting out the rest of the world and being present in the moment with your partner will allow you to figure out what works for both of you and what you can enjoy together.
3. The first time can be daunting – This is totally normal and your first time can be awkward, clumsy and bizarre. But it can also be exciting, empowering and wonderful. These conflicting emotions make it the experience feel like a bit of a roller coaster. Knowing that having sex for the first time is likely to feel new and strange is a first step in removing some of the awkwardness of it all.
4. Foreplay doesn’t have to be sexual – Try engaging in non-sexual intimacy first, such as hugs and touching non-erogenous zones (back-rubs, leg and arm massage). This can help ease you both into the experience and assist in it happening naturally. Set the pace together, and only move forward when you both feel ready.
5. You are not alone in this – As it it your gf’s first time too, she is probably worried about the very same things as you. It brings us back full circle to communications. Not just in the lead up to, but especially after. Check in and make sure she is ok, what she liked, what she didn’t like, and express your experience with her – it is not only about her pleasure and comfort, but also your own.
In addition to the above tips, I think it is also worth mentioning how incredibly thoughtful and considerate you are about such an event. This does not make you immature or uncool. In fact, the total opposite 🙂 Remember to have fun during the experience – enjoy it, learn from it and make the experience your own, in a way that makes you and her feel comfortable.
Wishing you and you gf all the best!
Firstly, everything that @alt_j has said is 100% correct. There are so many tools you can draw upon to ground yourself and calm nerves before having sex for the first time.
It’s also really important to remember that sex isn’t just about reaching a climax or pleasuring your partner. It’s just as pleasure-able and special to experience that intimacy, regardless of the physical feelings that may or may not come from the act of sexual intercourse. Try to take a step back from the outcome of it all and just look forward to the experience itself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to perform because it’s absolutely not about that. Your girlfriend will be discovering things about her body during the process too and she may not even know what she likes or doesn’t like sexually yet, so it’s important to look at it like a mutual discovery rather than a platform for perfect performance.
Another thing that might be helpful to know is that sex for the first time, whether it’s the first time ever or just the first time with a new partner, always comes with nerves and is certainly not always a mind blowing experience. It takes time to get to know your own body and your partners and understand what each person wants from sex. It’ll be different each time.
The fact that you’re so thoughtful in considering how this will be for your partner is honestly miles ahead of many other sexual encounters that most people have. It will be wonderful because of your sentiment and thought and care. And again, agree with Alt_j – keep the communication open and honest!