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  • #106473
    mak_trouble891
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    So lately I have been watching this series on Stan called ‘Younger’ not sure if anyones seen it, but basically a divorced 40+ woman lies about her aged to get a job, and as a result ends up pretty much living a double life as a 26 year old, which includes a new younger boyfriend. Which got me thinking about sex, relationships and age.

    Questions:
    1. do you think its ever ok to lie about your age?
    2. have you ever lied about your age?
    3. is age just a number when it comes to sex and relationships?
    4. Is there a double standard with relationship age caps for men and women? 

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    #111801
    MintMilanoMintMilano
    Moderator
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    Interesting questions @mak_trouble891 ! I actually think about this a lot given that during my early 20’s most of my boyfriends were 8-10 years older than me.

    In the context of relationships I’m pretty against lying in general, so I would say lying about your age is a no go. But I know a lot of guys on dating apps who shave a few years off because there seems to be this weird belief that “over 30” is off limits or something. But it would all come out in the wash eventually so I don’t see the point in keeping up with a lie about age. I think the most important thing is maturity rather than age – I feel like what you want out of live and your partner and relationship isn’t based on your age as much as just whatever stage of life you’re at. some people just get there differently. 

    I’m not sure about the double standards. People will say an older guy dating a much younger girl is creepy and older women dating younger men get called cougars (although sometimes thats not a bad thing? I don’t know). At the end of the day I guess respect and a mutual balanced relationship are more important than your age. But your age has the potentially to affect those things. It’s like a delicate see-saw. 

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    #111802
    teatea
    Moderator
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    Hmm, I think it’s very tricky when it comes to age gaps in relationships. Definitely lying about anything in a relationship is such a bad foundation to start on, so lying about your age is probably not a cool thing to do.

    My parents are 11 years apart but they got together in their mid 20’s so I don’t think the age gap is that big of a deal in that context. But then I have a friend who is dating someone almost 20 years older than her, and they started dating as soon as she turned 18, and they had known each other since she was 16, so the guy was…kind of waiting for her? Gross. That’s definitely over-stepping the age gap boundaries in my opinion.

    I think that regardless of age or gender, it’s definitely a contextual thing. As long as everyone involved in the relationship has set boundaries and is as @MintMilano said, based on respect, then it’s not a huge issue. 

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    #111803
    DeftRat
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    Interesting!

    I am not for lying about your age. I don’t see the point, it doesn’t matter to me but I know that some people have some hang ups about it.

    In terms of sex and relationships, my boyfriend is 15 years older than me. In the beginning we worried a lot about what other people would think, but soon got over that because it doesn’t matter what other people think. It works for us, we often don’t think about each others age either. Although I do tease him about it when I can, but it’s all in jest. I have a preference for older sexual partners as I have found them to be the ones that I click with the most. I haven’t worked out why, but not sure I need to either.

    I think there are double standards that exist. Women can be seen as gold diggers if they are with another man and men as boy toys with another woman. But I feel that both people where there is a big age gap get stigmatised.

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    #111804
    Diana_1996
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    Hey @mak_trouble891

    I love the show Younger. Lying is definitely a big issue regardless of what the lie it is. However, enough though I say that, when I was 17, I lied to guys that I would just meet and say I was 18 because I felt as though I am 18. I met a guy who was 26 at the time and we hooked up but that is about it. In his defence, he thought I was 18. I don’t believe age is just a number, just like how jail is just a room. I find it odd when I see 50 year old men being with a 20 year old girl and vice versa. 

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    #111805
    mak_trouble891
    Participant
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    Thanks for the great responses guys. 
    Seems that lying is a big no no, and I totally agree, regardless of the lie. Great point @MintMilano, I think for many and like in this show, it is more about the stage of life and maturity levels rather than the age and age differences. That being said, like @tea said it is also contextual, its totally creepy that the guy ‘waited’ for your friend, but least he waited I guess.
    That’s awesome @DeftRat that despite the age difference and what people think, you guys have stayed together <3 I think you do have a point about the double standards too. What do you think is too big an age gap?

    Hey @Diana_1996, how great is this show? 🙂 Your not alone about lying about being 18, I know a lot of people who have done that. I agree with you, I find it odd especially when the age difference is really big, like 20 and 50. 

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    #111806
    MsBlueStreak
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    I have a friend who is perpetually 21 – whose girlfriend/fiance (not sure which at the time), kinda outed him by posting his 40th birthday cake on Facebook.  But that’s always been more an “I don’t want to grow up” thing (and considering how bad we all are at adulting…).

    I honestly have to agree that lying in a relationship isn’t a great precedent for how things will work out. So I guess the question is, if you lie at the start, when do you fess up?

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    #111807
    teatea
    Moderator
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    @MsBlueStreak I guess if you lie about your birthday you can just never have birthdays again 😆 But seriously, I think if someone is lying about their age (or anything) it would just reach a point in the discussion where you can’t keep up the lie anymore.

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    #111808
    MintMilanoMintMilano
    Moderator
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    @MsBlueStreak  I’d say whenever things look like they start to get a little promising/more serious is when you should come clean about your age if you’ve been lying. If your age isn’t that big a deal then it shouldn’t be an issue, and if you haven’t gone too long without coming clean, you can still pass it off as, I don’t know a defence mechanism instead of an outright deception?

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    #111809
    Kit
    Participant
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    Ooh great topic @mak_trouble891. I am not into lying (about anything but also) about age. I have been in a relationship with a seven year gap and have friends with similar gaps, and agree the main issue is usually maturity. Excepting legality of course, I think the age of your partner is really only a concern to you and your partner because if it works, it works! <3

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    #111810
    DeftRat
    Participant
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    IT’s hard to say @mak_trouble891. I never thought that I would be in a relationship with someone who is 15 years older than me, but here I am. I suppose what would be kind of weird would be with someone the same age as my parents. But in saying that there are people that form relationships where the age gaps are that of their parents or older. If it works, it works. I say go for it.

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    #111811
    mak_trouble891
    Participant
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    Do you think if someone can lie about their age then it would raise questions about what else they could lie about? @MsBlueStreak @tea @MintMilano @DeftRat @Kit

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    #111812
    DeftRat
    Participant
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    I think it does @mak_trouble891, but I also think that (and this may not be a popular opinion) lying is a part of a relationship. Not that it should happen, but it does inevitably. Well that’s what I’ve found anyway. But when this occurs there’s usually something that comes out of it and you work through it. Honesty is a great trait to have but I don’t think this is exercised all the time in relationships. People could lie about a multitude of things, I suppose you’ve got to decide how much trust you put in a person, in any circumstance.

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    #111813
    teatea
    Moderator
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    I think that the person may be more inclined to lie if they lied about their age @mak_trouble891 but I don’t think it means that they necessarily would lie about other things. Maybe lying about your age is a sensitive topic for some people (for example a lot of people don’t like to reveal their age when you ask them), so lying about that would be different to lying about other things.

    I agree with what @DeftRat said about lying being a part of a relationship because I think that everyone does it in some way or another. Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re lying about serious things, or cheating, it could just mean a person might lie about something small like if food tastes good, to spare the others’ feelings.

    Not that I am condoning lying to anyone in any way, just that it does happen in small ways a lot of the time. And again as @DeftRat mentioned, it’s generally something that needs to be worked on.

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    #111814
    mak_trouble891
    Participant
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    Yeah I have to say I kind of agree with what you guys said @DeftRat and @tea, its not good to lie, and I am not condoning it but so called ‘white’ lies I think are a more common thing, especially when it is seen in the best interest of the other person, like maybe protecting them. Although I still think the truth always comes out.

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