Last night I watched “Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On” episode 2 on Netflix. It’s about this guy James who uses Tinder and treats girls pretty appallingly (i.e. dates them for a couple of months and then doesn’t let them know he’s not interested, just randomly stops talking and ignoring them etc). Whilst I wouldn’t just randomly ghost someone and be rude like that, I found myself agreeing with some of the things he said about how everything is so fast paced and it’s easy to move on from people because there’s always the next person. At one point in the episode he’s getting drunk on a Monday night texting a girl he really likes and she calls him out about being 40 and partying on a Monday night. He says something like “I can hang out with my friends anytime I like/don’t bring my age into this. All the best” and completely cuts her off there and then. Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone on Tinder and we have a great conversation but a few days after they’ll be a new match and the conversation with the previous person will slowly stop because there is always someone new to talk to. I think ironically, Tinder is preventing me from ‘settling down’ into a r/ship as I’m hyper aware that if something isn’t working out with someone or someone does something I don’t like, it is very easy to meet someone new. I feel like it’s making people view others as disposable. Realising this was kind of frightening to me. Does anyone have similar thoughts or have felt like this?
@jessica such an interesting series! Have you watched the other episodes yet?
Yeah that was such an unsettling episode. I was a heavy tinder user two years ago and I definitely felt that ‘disposable’ feeling too. It’s like we’re all too afraid to fall into something intense so we stay guarded which makes ‘disposing’ someone that much easier. Otherwise it’s that we have such high standards because of the broad range of people to choose between, we do feel like we can drop someone for somebody else who meets our ‘criteria’ better. And it’s totally accepted because everyone has this mutual understanding that ‘it’s not serious because you’re a stranger I met online, you’re not real’.
I found that as soon as a ditched the high standards I found someone really great. Height was a big deal to me but I’m with someone who is shorter than me now and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had!
That’s really interesting @jessica. I haven’t yet watched the series – is it a seperate series to the original Hot Girls Wanted doco? It’s interesting that we see everything as disposable, and now it’s affecting relationships. So do you feel that these apps are making everything very superficial – it’s all about looks and then the first initial discussion?
@peachy yeah I’ve watched the first three or so episodes, planning to finish it this weekend! Completely agree with absolutely everything you’ve said, especially the part about finding someone who can ‘fit’ the criteria better. I’m also completely immune to rejection and am really not surprised if someone doesn’t answer my text or ‘ghosts’ me. It’s like my standards are exceptionally high yet low at the same time, it’s really strange. I feel like before all these apps if I had have gone on a few dates with someone and kind of liked them I would have kept seeing them, but now there are just so many distractions and other people and it kind of feels like I’m always looking for another option. I guess it just makes it harder to focus on one person. This hasn’t happened to me yet, but I think people are also less likely to want to ‘work through’ problems etc because they know there are quite literally thousands of people out there at a touch of a button. I realise how horrible this sounds! I’m actually a nice person I swear, haha.
@NickiPower it’s a related series but this “turned on” edition has lots of eps about stuff to do with sex/sex work. Definitely Tinder is rather superficial in that you base a lot of who you match with on their face. I don’t base it entirely off the face of course, the general vibe I get from their profile/description is a factor too. I just feel before apps people probably tried harder to make things work in the initial dating period. These days even the slightest thing can turn me off from having a second/third date with someone. And despite the fact that there are so many people using Tinder, I am finding it harder and harder to click with someone because I’m so unreasonable picky (probably because there are thousands and thousands of people out there). Bit of a vicious cycle for sure.
I hate that ghosting has become an acceptable way to express that you’re not interested in pursuing anything further. Sure, you don’t owe anyone an explanation but be a fricking adult and use your words. It’s like the person who can appear to care the least is the winner, and that sucks. Whoosh, that was a lot of bitterness over dating in 2017 flowing out of me :smiley:
@ElleBelle I think that’s so ‘nail on the head’ though. The whole care less championship sucks. Hearing my single friends be too afraid to say they hurt or that they wanted something more is weird. On the flip side hearing them just blank people when they text to date again because they ‘cbf’ is such crap. People have feelings, it’s easy to hurt them, just be a rational, empathetic human. Actually not even that, just don’t be MEAN.
I actually met my current bf on tinder… never thought that would happen but I was soo adamant that we were just having sex as I didn’t want a relo.
But yeah its so easy to just ‘forget’ about someone cause ‘oh look something shinny’ and the constant attention you can get at a swipe of a finger makes it so easy to just go eh bored now whats next.
It makes me really sad that people are ok with this being the norm? that people are disposable once they have served their purpose or you are bored with them….but at the same time I know I was guilty of this when I was on the app :disappointed:
Yeah @CookieMonster I think it’s just that there is endless, endless attention and I honestly forget about people I’ve been talking to after a few days because there is always someone new. I hate admitting that but it’s the truth. And despite the fact that I’ve dated so many people recently I haven’t had real, genuine feelings for anyone for years.
@jessica it is hard to develop real actual feelings when we don’t give the time to get to know one another and let your own walls down. If you always have walls up then no one can get in and know you/ or get you. I think the reason I ended up with my guy was cause I fully let him in. yes we were just sleeping together at first but cause of that I felt no pressure to be anything I wasn’t and I was just me (no make up and all) but he got to know me and me him and we both feel for each other cause those walls were down … does that make sense?
I’m sure I heard quite a high statistic the other day like 50% (or something) on Tinder are actually just there for the swiping and rush of self-esteem they get from a connection than progressing any further anyway. Maybe it wasn’t 50% but it was quite high.
Makes you think though…