How do you make casual sex great?

[EarthMama]

I am of the opinion, through my life experience, that it is far more common to have great sex in an ongoing and intimate relationship, that it is in something casual and sporadic. I would love to be wrong about this! If intimacy, trust and communication are not the only ingredients of great sex, what are the others? And please, how do you establish these in casual sexual encounters!?

[tea]

Hmm, other ingredients of great sex… @earthmama there could be so many I suppose, but they’d be so specific to what you like individually? I think universally, you’ve got the right idea with intimacy, trust and communication!

Hmm maybe being open-minded? I think that would set things up for anyone involved to be more comfortable in asking for things that they like!

[EarthMama]

@tea I hear you on the open-mindedness, but I suppose my curiosity is about how all these things factor in when we HAVEN’T yet built an understanding of another’s personality. Do you think we need to know about someone intimately, before we can enjoy good sex with them?

[sextronaut]

Great topic @earthmama! My main advice for great casual sex would be communication, consent, gentle starts and safety. Open-mindedness is fantastic so long as it’s balanced with communicated boundaries. 🙂 Washed hands is also super important for any sexual encounter, too. Ideally, I like to discuss safe sex options and contraception prior to things getting steamy in a casual way but I know this can be awkward sometimes. Also, I think communicating boundaries is really important – i.e. not wanting to do certain sexual acts/condoms must be worn, etc. I think taking it slow to explore how your bodies connect is a good move as well, and then you/they can communicate what you/they like from there.

Of course, like anything, practice makes perfect so getting to know someone’s body a little over time will help with sex ‘skills’, but I think being a great communicator could absolutely make for fantastic sex with strangers (so long as you find a good communicator)!

[tea]

Hmm I think knowing someone intimately before having sex with someone could make sex more enjoyable, but not always @earthmama. I suppose it would depend on the kind of person you are too and how you value relationships in general?

I think @sextronaut has the right idea about knowing someone better and that helping with your ‘skills’ but yeah ultimately communication is key!

Also LOVE the “Washed hands is also super important for any sexual encounter, too.” advice @sextronaut!!

[EarthMama]

Thanks @tea and @sextronaut – all great advice!
I am finding more and more however that the success of causal encounters is based on the premise that all people have the same understanding around boundaries, safe practices, consent and expectations. I wonder is this all comes down to running in circles that hold the same values to us?

[tea]

Oh maybe! @earthmama! Hmm, I suppose if you ended up somewhere completely different to what yo were used to – and had a new group of people you were introduced to, then boundaries might differ? I wonder if it’s different cross-culturally as well?

[EarthMama]

Yes I think it is!! I am starting to realise that whist I surround myself in general with feminist and sex-positive people, when you meet someone outside of your circle, these values can really differ. Perhaps I just need to be a little more discerning 😉

[kitkat]

@sextronaut the washed hands thing!!! begone bacterial vaginosis ahaha. Best advice ever and not heart nearly enough!

I had quite a lot of casual sex when I got out of my long term relationship last year, and I think that the things that make sex good in a relationship (intimacy, trust and communication like you said, @earthmama) can still be present in casual sex and hookups!

Like, I made a commitment to myself that if I didn’t like someone enough to hang out with them outside the bedroom, I probably didn’t like them enough to be having sex with them. If they didn’t make me feel totally safe and comfortable, we certainly shouldn’t be playing with each other’s genitals.

I think communication communication communication is so important! Establish expectations really soon on – I was straight up with my partners (mostly met through apps) that I was looking for ongoing casual sex, with dates and fun times. If they just wanted to go home and bang and never see each other again, I knew that wasn’t what I wanted so that mismatch was just not gonna work. But people who were into that too meant we were already building a shared base of communication and intimacy.

Intimacy wise, I think that comes with communication and being open about what you want and open to what they want. I’m a big fan of talking about life and whatever with my hookups. We don’t have to text and chat loads between seeing each other, but I feel like if you’re having ongoing sex with someone, I like to have at least a passing investment in how they’re doing can only be a good thing!

For trust, I really strongly feel that if you don’t feel you can trust someone, you shouldn’t be sleeping with them. You can both be having lots of casual hookups and totally non-exclusive, and still trust each other. How else do you make yourself vulnerable talking about what your into, or have open, judgement free conversations about contraception and kinks and whatever?

Also, this old chestnut is basically a cliche, I know, but be yourself in a really big way! If you feel performative or like you’re being your ‘good behaviour’ self on dates, you’re never gonna totally unwind in the bedroom, which is a big barrier in the way of great sex! If they’re not totally into you when your being your ‘most self’, then they’re not worth your time and energy in bed! You’re great, make sure they see that first 🙂 Knowing that will also make you way more comfortable, communicating and building intimacy!

[EarthMama]

I love what you said about if you wouldn’t want to hang out with someone outside of sex, then you probably wouldn’t want to be having sex with them @kitkat, but I’m just wondering if this is always the case. Has anyone experienced great sex with someone they really could not stand in other contexts??

[GoldenRose]

Such good advice @kitkat!

That’s a good question @EarthMama… I maybe am less nervous/awkward when sleeping with someone who I wouldn’t really hang out with otherwise cause I’m less worried of what they think as sometimes I find myself being worried about you know how I look or sound during sex (which I should’t be!).

[-_-]

@earthmama my experience is that you can have great sex with casual hook-ups that you can’t stand in other contexts – for me it is the sort of tear each other clothes off fun sex – and then leg it out of there before they open their mouths and say something that is going to make you go ‘eeeeew’.

When I was meeting people for casual sex via apps it was established that we were just going to bang and be done with it and have the mutual understanding that we weren’t going to try to connect in any other way – I’ve had ongoing sexual relationships in this context. We always used condoms and had open communication about what we wanted and needed. They weren’t the kind of people who had the same values as me but we still were able to have fun. We even laughed that IRL we would HATE each other. I think that people can just have the mutual – we just have this chemistry, let’s get this done with – kind of sex.

I’ve particularly experienced this when travelling overseas and staying in hostels – there’s the added element a language barrier – but you’re both just horny and want to have fun. For me these have always been safe, respectful and enjoyable encounters.

Agree @goldenrose you’re not worried about what they think!

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