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  • #123635
    EarthMamaEarthMama
    Moderator

    Please forgive the confusing title- my question is this: if you start seeing someone who you are quite interested in but they are clearly still recovering from their break up only six weeks earlier, is it foolish to get invested? Even if they say there are ready, they just want to take it super slow and casually, is it likely the first post-break up relationship is a rebound?

    #123640
    stephaniaaaahstephaniaaaah
    Keymaster

    Hmm this is a good question but I have a little insight into this from my own personal experience – when I met my partner they were only 12 weeks out of a 6 year relationship (!) and it was the same concern I had.

    My advice is that it’s different for everyone and starting it slow and casual is a good way to do things, unless you want something else – if you are ready for a committed relationship then maybe set a bit of a timeline i.e. “I am happy to take things nice and slow but you know I want a relationship so can we have honest communication about how we are going”

    Asking a person why they broke up with someone or how their relationship ended will give you some more information – if it was really sudden or they got their heart broken then maybe I would consider holding off. If it was a mutual and respectful breakup ‘we both identified that we wanted different things / grew apart / fell out of love’ then it sounds like they are more emotionally aware.

    Again, everyone is different and so I think we expect the first relationship post break up to maybe be a rebound – especially it seems that the first people you will have sex with after normally are (in my experience) – but in the case of my relationship it was different and though I had doubts that it was too early for my partner I quickly realised that I didn’t have anything to worry about because we were able to talk it through and it because obvious that they had already recovered from the relationship before it ended if that makes sense.

    #123645
    EarthMamaEarthMama
    Moderator

    Thank you so much for your insight @stephaniaaaah. You have verbalised many of the thoughts I have been having. Especially in thinking about whether the individual has been grieving the relationship prior to it ending, or if it is a fresh wound. In this case, it’s a funny mix, because this person is really amicable and friendly with their ex, but it also seems that the break up was not mutual… It is so challenging when you can really empathise with someone and the pain of heartbreak but you also like them and just REALLY want them to be ready.
    I suppose there is no one size fits all and it all comes down to great communication. However, the fear of heartbreak is so real that it seems like human nature to do everything in our power to be the one who avoids it :/

    #123647
    stephaniaaaahstephaniaaaah
    Keymaster

    Welcome @earthmama such a tricky situation

    Heartbreak sucks SO DAMN BAD. There’s a million quotes about love but the one that resonates with me is ‘to know love one has to know heartbreak’. I’ve had the heartache so bad but definitely came out the side a better person who knew more about me and what I needed and wanted and also more self aware of what I had done that had been hurtful. I guess I am less scared of heartbreak these days – I mean I would be so devastated if things suddenly changed with my partner – but I know that I will always be okay and I’ve got such good buds who have my back always 🙂 But yes, the fear is real. Just thinking about it now makes my heart hurt 🙁

    For this person maybe they are already there in going – yep that sucked but now I know what I want… keep on communicating!

    #123686
    EarthMamaEarthMama
    Moderator

    @stephaniaaaah I can definitely relate. Strangely enough however I feel more afraid of heartbreak now than I was before I got my heart broken…I guess it is easy to be fearless the less we know. I am trying SO HARD to stay vulnerable and not let the fear stop me giving it a go.

    #123687
    stephaniaaaahstephaniaaaah
    Keymaster

    @earthmama I understand that feeling too. Wanting the best for you and keep us posted

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