Painful sex after 15 years of marriage

[sparkling]

Hi,
I am 39 and have been married for 15 years. The sex is still very painful, so bad that we only have intercourse like once a month which makes the situation even worse. I recently spoke to one of my friends and she said there are numbing gels and sprays I can use to have less pain. I had no idea such thing exist, have been using Astroglide which doesn’t help at all. Can someone please recommend a good numbing gel or spray that can help me not have painful sex?
Thank you

[Aunt_Flo]

Hey @sparkling. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with pain during intercourse.

@nurse_nettie is the best person to comment on this one.

Have you spoken to a doctor about this before? My understanding is that sex should, generally, not be painful for either partner.

[sparkling]

Hi @Aunt_Flo, thank you for your reply. I discussed it with my OBGYN several times and gave up. All she says is, the fits are different, use Astroglide, read sec novels so yuo can relax, that’s not my answer. She refuses to give me something to numb the pain, all of my friends telling me they have lidocaine and other stuff, not sure what to do, Thank you

[Nurse_Nettie]

Hi @sparkling, thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry you’ve been suffering with this for so long without relief. Unfortunately, I can’t recommend any type of numbing gel. Has your doctor given you any idea what is causing the problem? Women often get the message that it’s normal for sex to be painful. It’s not uncommon, but it usually does have a solution once you work out what the issue is.

Long term painful sex may be due to a few a things going on at once. Often it’s a combination of a physical issue that gets worse as your body learns to anticipate pain with sex. Have a look at this information about vulvodynia and this information about vaginisumus.

The solution can sometimes require seeing one or more specialists. You might consider a vulval or gyne skin clinic, a pelvic floor physiotherapist, and/or sexual therapist.

I hope you can find a solution soon.

[sparkling]

Hi @nurse_nettie, thank you for your reply. I contacted my OBGYN and she just told me the fits are different and basically brushed it off. What type of doctor would you recommend me to see? I have united healthcare but wasn’t sure what to search for. The search didn’t bring anything for sexual therapist or the other terms you had specified. I live in Sterling, VA 20165. Thanks

[Nurse_Nettie]

Hi @sparkling, Unfortunately, I can’t provide you with local services as I’m based in Australia only. Perhaps the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists may assist with the right local referral options for you.

[sparkling]

Hi @Nurse_Nettie, thank you for your reply. I asked my insurance company and this is what they told me:
“Our records indicate that Sexual therapist is for Behavioral health services. As per your benefit plan, these services are administered through United Behavioral Health which is handled by dedicated department.”
So I will contact them and see what to do next. I am so confused as where to begin now.

Won’t it be easier if I just buy some lidocaine numbing gel or cream and try those? Amazon has some which people buy and apply before getting tattoos. Will those work?

Thank you

[Nurse_Nettie]

Hi @sparkling, I can’t recommend any gels or creams. You’ll need to speak with a doctor about what is safe & effective in your situation. Tattoo creams are not meant for the genitals though & could be harmful. Unfortunately, I can’t give you any specific advice about the type of specialist to see in the US. Australia has a completely different health care system. I do hope you find the help you need.

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