A female friend of mine has recently started dating a man (both of which are cisgender). It’s been about a month but they’ve been intimate ten or so times. Recently we went out for drinks and she told me that he ejaculates about 10-30 seconds into sex. He’s in his late 20s. She said she’s tried slowing it down, has had him go down on her for ages etc, but as soon as sex is involved he can’t maintain his erection for long. He also doesn’t seem to be mentioning it, which I can completely understand because it’s a touchy and sometimes embarrassing situation to be in. Neither of them have addressed it properly/directly.
I’ve had a similar situation where a partner of mine couldn’t get an erection, but have never been with someone who had PE so I don’t have much advice for her. What is the best way to bring up to your partner that you’d like them to last longer in bed without hurting their feelings or making them feel embarrassed or uncomfortable? Is this a psychological or biological thing? (Perhaps @nurse_nettie can answer that one more in depth). I know there’s a few exercises you can do like masturbating and stopping right before you ejaculate but again, obviously a very difficult thing to bring up with a new partner.
We’re actually working on creating some content around this issue at the moment, so good timing! Here are a few tips I’ve picked up on my research:
Hope that helps! It’s definitely a tricky one to bring up in conversation. But she can hopefully frame it in a way that doesn’t put too much pressure on him.
Maybe something like:
“I love having sex with you/you turn me on so much, and I’d love it if we could make it last a little longer. I was wondering if you’d be up for trying X/Y/Z. What do you think?”
@purple premature ejaculation (PE) is really about an individual’s sense of control over ejaculation rather than an minimum amount of time before ejaculation. People can naturally have different levels of sensitivity to stimulation. In other words, some people will cum quickly & some people will take longer. Age can also be a factor: people in their teens & twenties with raging hormones & limited experience are more likely to ejaculate quickly. Often with time, practice, & more confidence in relationships, this will change. Other common factors are: levels of excitment, amount of foreplay, levels of anxiety, & length of time since last ejaculation. @ekoorb9 posted a great list of strategies for building greater control of ejaculation. A sex therapist can also be helpful.
All that said, PE is really only a problem when someone wants to last longer & feels they can’t. It’s possible that the your friend’s partner is sexually satisfied ejaculating after 30 seconds. If your friend is not satisified, then the conversation really needs to be about expressing her needs & being creative about how those might be met (rather than only focusing on fixing a problem he has). Hopefully that’s helpful! 🙂
I think communication is definitely really important for something like this. I also really love the advice to see a sex therapist – they would be good to help bring the conversation to a neutral ground and help figure out different things to try to help alleviate PE!
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