What do you guys do when you can feel your relationship starting to break down? Things just aren’t working out and you’re both trying to hold everything together but you just aren’t feeling it anymore. You drift further and further apart but you don’t want to leave each other.
Do you think it’s better to break things off with a person if you’ve tried to fix things and it’s just not working? Or keep trying?
Uh, @tea, I’m essentially in the same boat. My partner and I have agreed it’s not sustainable or healthy to stay if we’re fighting, but we can’t see to break things off.
We’ve mad an agreement that, if in a few months, it’s still the same situation, we owe it to ourselves and the other person to break it off. I don’t think there’s anything too wrong with trying to fix things, but it depends on what the things you’re trying to fix are.
If it’s things like communication which can take time to fix, I think there’s sense in working things out. But if it’s things like personality clashes that might not ever fix, you’d have to weigh up whether it’s worth staying in it. Lists always help me in times like these.
Sorry you’re going through this, @tea 🙁 I agree with @Aunt_Flo that giving yourselves a sort of deadline can be good. All relationships go through points of “Wow this is really shit.” And I’ve always been glad that I’ve stuck through it when it’s like that cause it’s gotten better later on.
I think spending time apart can be really helpful to make decisions and recognise what you want, could you agree to maybe not see each other for (whatever is a set amount you could be apart for) and reevaluate?
There’s also nothing wrong with ending a relationship. A relationship that doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean it’s a “failed relationship” and it upsets me so much when people in my life have said that to me.
Also take some time to do something nice for yourself during this shitty time – maybe go get a massage or do something silly with a friend 🙂 (I’m thinking a zumba class haha but it’s up to you!)
@HoneyPot I love what you said about a relationship ending not being a ‘failed relationship’. I could not agree more! All good and great things come to an end eventually, this does not been they were not spectacular and so worth having.
Whilst I agree we should not give up on people, or not try in a relationship that means a lot to us, the advice I often give my friends is- ‘having something with someone, be it chemistry, history, comfort, even love, should be the baseline of what you expect.’ We are too young (at any age honestly 😉 ) to start making compromises for happiness. We have our whole lives to be and discover- if you’re questioning it, there’s a reason.
And honestly, if you want to find each other again, in the near or far future- you will. Don’t let the fear of losing something that makes you comfortable, stop you from being truly happy. Nothing is ever certain. Whether you stay together as a couple, or you don’t, the truth will find you.
Good luck! Sending you all kinds of strength! @tea @Aunt_Flo
@Aunt_Flo I hope things work out for the best for the both of you. Maybe I’ll try write a list? I thought about doing that but it feels weird to put my relationship down on a piece of paper.
@HoneyPot :heart: Totally agree with what you said about it not being a failed relationship. Thank you. I might skip the zumba class but a massage sounds good haha
@EarthMama I’m not sure if I’m questioning the relationship or myself at this point. Things have been really rough in my life lately so maybe that’s what has been hurting my relationship? I’m just not sure.
Thank you @tea, same to you! It can feel quite weird, and when I’ve done it I’ve almost felt a little guilty, I suppose, because I’m putting done cons right there in front of me. It’s really great to clear your mind, and to keep the list to track your feelings too.
There’s nothing wrong with taking a bit of time, cooling down, and assessing your needs. <3
@EarthMama Loving that saying! Would get it printed on a shirt tbh
In relation to the original post anyway, things didn’t work out too well in the end. Luckily I came back to the forums to find @peachy had created this thread, which I am finding helpful and healing. It’s so hard to adjust to new circumstances, but you’re right, sometimes you just need to prioritise yourself!
Absolutely! It is so great to hear that the support of this community has been fundamental in your healing process @tea. At the end of the day, people and relationships are a gift we give to ourselves. Your life begins and ends with you at the crux of it and therefore the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important! I don’t think we will ever regret the years we spent in relationship with ourself alone- and then eventually with others. This is your time <3 don’t forget to use it!