I’ve just moved in with my partner and I was wondering if anyone had any tips or advance about how they maintain a healthy relationship while living with your partner.
So far we’ve gone with the telling each other anything that annoys you straight away.
I got annoyed when he didn’t scrub the toliet (ew)
and he was annoyed when I left my hairdryer out for days without using it (fair enough)
Anyone else have any tips or stories to share?
This is a tricky arena @curiousss. I have not lived with a partner, but I am living with a close friend, and it’s been hugely important for us to maintain a healthy relationship whilst growing a roommate relationship.
I think it is important to be kind to yourself and remember the adjustment may take time. You are actually entering into a whole new relationship with this person- co-habitation. I think it can be helpful to keep those two relationships as seperate as possible i.e. holding an informal ‘roommate’ meeting once a week to discuss any household matters.
I hope it is a wonderful experience for you!
Hey @curiousss , great question.
I hear you about the little things like hairdryer and toilet scrubbing (ew indeed). What I’ve learned over the years is we all have these little intricacies that may not bother us, but bother our partner a lot! As an example… I often don’t do the buttons up on a quilt cover after making it, it doesn’t phase me… haha. So… Once my partner was just so amazed I didn’t do it, which lead to a fight about me being lazy, etc.
I was quite defensive over it, thinking; it honestly doesn’t matter, but I can see how he would see it as a simple task that could easily be completed.
What I’ve learned in the past through bad situations and good situations…
* Move into a place together. Don’t move into someone’s house, as it will always be “their house” to some degree, and can cause conflict about furniture, the way things are done, etc.
* Don’t move in with family (I’ve done it…). It’s not conducive to a healthy sex life and respecting boundaries.
* Try and have an honest conversation about what’s bothering you without getting too much into it.
I’ve been single for some time again now, and have just had a flat mate move in after living alone for some time. I can see myself biting my tongue over things; like light’s being left on, doors being opened while I’m trying to heat the house, cups left on counter right after I’ve washed up…. Little things.
What I say to myself is.. When you lived with your partner who wasn’t very nice, he would get angry at you about lights being left on, and it made you angry, so leave this. He is trying to be comfortable in his space, and I have things I might do that he might be angry at.
I don’t think there is in answer to it… It’s just trial and error when moving in.
@curiousss congratulations! Moving in with a partner can be a super exciting time and a real ‘level up’ in a relationship.
As for navigating it, I thinks it’s really important for both parties to keep in mind that your relationship will change, in all kinds of ways. Introducing those home habits to a relationship can be a huge wake up call to people – but I think open communication is the key to getting through it (as it is the key to most things, really.)
I moved in with my partner in March 2018 and it’s been so great. Before moving in together we both lived in share houses that were in the same suburb (coincidence) and we spent every night at either one of eachother’s places, so we were cohabiting for quite a while before it was official. We’ve had a little trouble in managing home expectations but we set aside some time to talk it through which nipped it in the bud before starting any major fights. Basically we just wrote down our expectations on how often things need to be done (i.e. dishes, washing, vacuuming, bed sheets, etc.) and we compromised each one to a general schedule. Since then, we have fluctuated with who is the ‘busier’ person quite dramatically and our efforts change dependent on that. Sometimes someone is doing more tasks than the other, and that can cause some gripe between us but we just talk it out before it becomes a huge problem on an off day. 🙂
I think a really big part of it comes down to communication, which sextronaut covered really well.
– Share expectations and talk about things quickly so resentment doesn’t build up.
– Try not to assign values to things they do/don’t do (Like Will’s partner saying his not doing up the quilt was lazy – that’s assigning a moral value to an action that it didn’t necessarily have)
– Make an effort to do cute, couple stuff – go on dates out, dress up and surprise each other! When you’re living together your relationship does change and you get whole new awesome levels of comfort and intimacy in routine, but you’ve gotta make sure you don’t let the other stuff fall by the wayside
– Pick your battles – remember you (presumably) love this person loads, and a lot of the little stuff they do that annoys you probably really doesn’t matter. Like so what if they leave their mug on the counter every morning and never wash it up? (Though I agree with the toilet urgh…some things just kill the romance XD )