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  • #106557
    peachy
    Participant
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    So I’d love to know at what point in a casual arrangement or relationship do you add someone on Facebook? 
    I’ve got date number four coming up next week and I’d love to add this new person on Facebook (they’re on Android and I’m on an iPhone so texting is getting annoying haha), but I don’t want to come off too strong! We’ve got mutual friends and talked about them so I don’t think I’d come off too stalkery, but I just don’t know ahaha! 

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    #112525
    champagnepapi
    Moderator
    0

    I add them before date 1! Because I’m a bit of a stalker and need to know what I’m working with haha. You’re definitely at the point where it’s not weird to ask I reckon. Just be like “hey I saw the funniest meme the other day that reminded me of xyz conversation we had the other day, I really wanted to tag you in it!!” Hopefully they’ll get the hint from that.

    Also androids are the worst!!!! I hate the green bubbles hahaha. 

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    #112526
    EarthMamaEarthMama
    Moderator
    0

    Whilst I agree with @champagnepapi if you are wanting to learn more about them and such, I do think there is something pretty special about fostering a relationship outside of the realms of social media for as long as possible. Given the vast life- dysmorphia of Facebook, you could lose the joy of getting to know someone at face value. If all goes well and you do end up in a more long term thing with this person, I’m sure the adding will come naturally. I wouldn’t worry about coming on too strong, but I would challenge you to enjoy the sweet spot without Facebook for a little longer 🙂 
    Thoughts?

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    #112527
    peachy
    Participant
    0

    So I decided to add them this morning and they accepted! What a relief ahaha.

    I can really see both sides @champagnepapi and @EarthMama ! I’ve been totally using our in-person interactions to form a picture of who they are over the last few weeks we’ve been texting/meeting and that’s been really nice. And that layer of mystery makes me really excited to see them because each date leads to them revealing more and more about them! But then having a lil stalky sesh today, I found all the pictures/posts were giving me context to what they had told me already and just gave me some confidence that they weren’t psychopath material.

    So I think you’re right @EarthMama, you’ve got to find that sweet spot. I’m pretty happy with after 3 dates, but I think I could’ve stretched it out a few more weeks. 

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    #112528
    MintMilanoMintMilano
    Moderator
    0

    I think if you’re got mutual friends and its possible they could have come up in a tagged photo or post or something, and you’ve met them at least once, its not weird to send a friend request. If you have no mutual connections then you might have to do it in person (like ask what their Facebook name is or something) because there’s no way you’d naturally stumble upon them and looking them up can seem a bit stalkery haha I went on a few dates with a guy and I found his Facebook but didn’t add him yet cause I didn’t want to seem creepy but then it didn’t work out so never ended up adding him. I was already friends with my current boyfriend before we hooked up so I never had to worry about that there.

    On a similar note though – what do people think of relationships statuses on Facebook? Do you think its weird? Is it necessary? My previous boyfriend wanted to update it after a month of dating but my current boyfriend I’ve been with for 4 and a half months and the subject hasn’t even come up. We’re tagged in enough photos together so people get the picture. I don’t really see the need to make it “Facebook official”. 

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    #112529
    champagnepapi
    Moderator
    0

    @MintMilano in this day and age, Facebook official basically means “we’re engaged” hahahah. I’m not a fan of attention so I never update the status because of the inevitable “omgggg congrats!!!” and “cuteeee!” from well meaning, but kinda annoying, friends and family. I do get a little excited when I see my friends have updated theirs though, so I’m all for other people doing it.

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    #112530
    PurplePurple
    Moderator
    0

    I think add whenever you feel comfortable and you’ve got a good vibe! That being said I’ve been dating a guy for like 6 or 7 weeks or something and we still aren’t Facebook friends – he’s 34 so I don’t think it’s a really big deal for older people lol. It’s weird how things have evolved on Facebook and now no one updates their relationship status, that seems to be a thing that has changed in the last two years or so. I don’t know if it’s an age thing, if I was to get into a relationship now I wouldn’t do the whole FB official thing, but I do wonder if kids 16-18 still do it? Everyone posts about getting engaged but that’s it. Also on another note how Facebook used to all be about statuses and posting photos – now it’s literally just memes. I don’t think I’ve made a status for like 3 years! 

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    #112531
    EarthMamaEarthMama
    Moderator
    0

    @peachy Congrats on making a decision that was right for you- and I’m so glad they accepted! Hurray!! 

    @MintMilano I am not a big fan of the relationship status update on Facebook for all the reasons @champagnepapi mentioned, but I also have this quote floating around in my head that I wanna say is Buddha?? Anyway- it goes: ‘much in the window, nothing in the room.’ I recognise this is a very strict view and there are obviously exceptions, but I like to think that if we are genuinely happy in our own relationships and feel validated personally- then that should be enough. 
    Unless of course you’re into it! Then that’s great!! The snoopy part of me also really loves when people share <3

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    #112532
    peachy
    Participant
    0

    @champagnepapi omg so true. It felt like such an important step to go ‘official’ on facebook when I was in high school, so I wonder if high schoolers today feel that or the way all people use Facebook is changing? 
    @Purple yes!! Its sooo funny looking back at how people’s old statuses feel dated now! No one would ever post ‘… is eating a sandwich right now’ anymore!  

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    #112533
    peachy
    Participant
    0

    Another unexpected dilemma to come out of this! 

    We’re still texting not facebook messaging so I can’t see when he’s ‘seen’ the message, but now we’re facebook friends I can see when he’s online. So it does make me start to doubt my texting ability when I’ve sent a message a few hours ago and they’re online and haven’t replied! 

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    #112534
    PurplePurple
    Moderator
    0

    Hey @peachy I think as long as they do eventually reply you have nothing to worry about. I totally get anxiety around that but maybe they have work obligations or see the message and make a mental note to reply later. Sometimes Facebook stays online even when you’re not or they might have a tab open at work or something. Just as long as you’re confident with where it’s heading and they get back to you within a relatively timely fashion try not to stress 🙂

    on another note I just had a first date with someone new and it was nice, I’ll probably see them again. It wasn’t absolutely amazing though but I’m usually up for a second date. Except about half way into it they asked me for my Facebook! I was so shocked I gave it to them but now that I look back I found it slightly inappropriate – as we’ve discussed in this thread some of us think it’s a good idea to add someone perhaps when you can see it’s going somewhere and you’re both on the same page. I just personally don’t like someone looking through my Facebook after it’s only been one date (no shade if you’re into that though!) It’s ohciously too late now to bring it up because I accepted the request, but in the future what would you say if someone wanted to add you so soon and you felt slightly uncomfortable? Am I overreacting maybe? 

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    #112535
    EarthMamaEarthMama
    Moderator
    0

    @peachy THIS IS MY PROBLEM WITH THE INTERNET!! 

    @Purple I totally feel your dilemma and do not think you are overreacting. What has worked for me in past is just total honesty delivered in a gentle, modest way. Something like, ‘I think it’s a little too soon for that’ (whilst smiling). Or, ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready for you to see my pictures from schoolies.’ etc. If they persist, I think it is safe to say they don’t understand boundaries- and that’s a whole other kettle of fish! 
    (These tips of course apply to someone you are actually interested in seeing again, not weird strangers- they can do without gentleness) 

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    #112536
    peachy
    Participant
    0

    @EarthMama so frustrating right??? 

    @Purple Thanks! I think I’m just a bit impatient ahaha! Is that a conversation you can have with someone? Texting spacing etiquette? One text in the morning and one at night is totally fine but I think it’s a bit rude when on multiple occasions they  haven’t messaged for 24 hours or more!

    Ooh first date friend request is an interesting one. It’s hard if in that moment you didn’t feel uneasy but later do. It’s probably not right to delete and re-add them now but I guess because you’ve experienced this dilemma you now know what your boundaries are for future dates. And next time you can use one of EarthMama’s great lines haha! 

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    #112537
    PurplePurple
    Moderator
    0

    @peachy if it’s more than 24 hours I don’t really think that’s acceptable! I would understand 6-10 hours but at some point you should reply to someone you’re seeing. you could maybe say “I know you’re busy but it would be nice if you could get back to me when you can/a litlte earlier to show me you’re interested” or something. 

    @EarthMama that’s such great advice! my friend said I should have said something like “I think it’s nice to get to know someone without having stalked each other’s facebook first, best to get to know each other more before that” but “I think it’s a little too early for that” should suffice for next time. thank you!! 

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    #112538
    MintMilanoMintMilano
    Moderator
    0

    Is it inappropriate to ask someone to be Facebook friends if you’ve hung out in person? I think its weird to try and look them up and add them without asking, but I use Facebook a lot so for me it just makes sense to keep in touch with people. And if they’re going to look at my old pictures or posts and judge me for them and that turns them off, then they’re probably not the kind of person I want to end up with anyway – bad reaction? Delete them and move on. 

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