Preface: this was originally written as a post on another site (reddit) and I’m copying it here because I’ve still not received any helpful advice.
I’m 27. ive never had sex. Ive only been in one relationship, if you removed 3 or 4 days from my life you would remove all the physical in person interaction Ive had with a women romantically. I can talk to women fine, several friends are women and its good. but I just don’t know how romance works.
I’m pretty religious at times. Don’t want to talk about that AT ALL. But its relevant for the next part.
I started watching porn when I was younger. about 4 or 5 years ago I started talking to women online, sometimes sexually. I just feel so absurdly lonely that I don’t know how to deal with it. I just want to feel a connection with someone.
I got to the point where I felt like I need to talk to someone sometimes. I’m super inexperienced sexually and sometimes I just want to say fuck it and fully immerse myself in sexual pleasure, at least as much as i can online. i try to find women who are willing to talk to me and basically just casually talk about sex in voice chat, share porn we like with each other, watch it together while chatting,ect .when seeking stuff out sexually online, people want kinks, or roleplay, or a performance. I just want to have a fucking conversation most of the time. Like I literally just want to talk about it not put on a performance or have one performed for me
That fills me with guilt. But then I have nights like tonight where I just a few days ago said “i’m done” and deleted all my accounts, and have this hole left, where I just want to hear a pretty woman voice tell me im not a horrible disgusting person for engaging in sexual desires. I just want to feel wanted, or at least not repulsive.
I don’t know wtf to do, i’m tired, and i hate myself.
in a perfect world I’m looking for someone to help me get comfortable with being sexual. Like becoming friends with a woman but the friendship , while being a real friendship, more or less existing due to the sexual component. Someone who will voice chat with me often and talk to me about sexual stuff and who I can casually be sexual “with”, what I mean by with is that she could talk, send me porn she likes, i send her porn I like, we talk about fantasies, she would encourage me to masturbate while talking with her, who really wants to help me become more comfortable with mysexuality and can handle the weird bits of guilt and embarrassment I have around it after I get off. She would almost be motherly but of course not in a weird way. I guess she would be emotionally “warm” for lack of a better word. Like she would be EXTREMELY kind and caring towards me without being condescending, but just truely wanting to help me get comfortable with sexuality
I know I’m not going to find that and I have no fucking idea how to even go about it.
I think one of my biggest frustrations is that, I feel like a creep by seeking out sexual stuff online. Whatever form that may take (interactive or not). I’m not sure how to seek it out without feeling a little slimy, even if I’m not actually doing anything wrong. I’m respectful, upfront, careful to understand and not cross boundaries. but despite all that there is a little bit of a feeling i get on sites like reddit or whatever when I’m seeking out anything, especially if it involves another person. I don’t know how to shake that and thats actually what bothers me quite a bit. I know its not wrong to want to interact sexually, I know its normal, and I am very respectful in the way I approach it. But I always feel like I will be judged for it, or that I will be put in a box like “oh he is just another guy who only wants in my pants” even if I also want to know them as a person.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
I felt the same when it came to getting comfortable in my own skin, and making connections with potential partners so please don’t feel like you’re alone on that.
Also being 27 and not having sex yet is totally ok, and there are lots of people in the same boat including people in this forum 🙂 here
Dating is SO difficult at the best of times haha, so mix in online dating and COVID restrictions it’s even trickier! But it does mean more people are online dating then ever before (I guess you’ve got to find a silver lining somewhere when it comes to COVID!)
It sounds like you’re looking to talk to people online as a first step anyway vs meeting up IRL. So check out these threads, as people have shared some great info around online dating:
Hope this is helpful 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story – its not always easy to do, but its a helpful step to feeling better, and taking steps in the direction you feel is right for you…
I agree your story isn’t so unusual, the internet provides so many ways to connect with others, especially sexually! And it can become a replacement for real life connection, which can often feel much harder to make. Online sex can be fun, but as it’s not IRL it can be less fulfilling.
Unfortunately its also common for guilt and shame to to be wrapped up in sexuality, but it really shouldn’t be. everyone has a different experience of sex and sexuality, there shouldn’t be shame involved – as long as there is consent and you’re not harming anyone!
It sounds like you’d like some real connection with a friend/partner, comfortable enough to talk about sex with. You also say you have a few female friends – I think these could a useful place to start. Developing comfort in talking about stuff, building trust, sharing – these are all good ways to build connection.
Thanks again for sharing, good luck on the journey! 🙂
Hi @wakawaka123 thanks for sharing your experience here. You’re definitely not alone in struggling to find the kind of intimate relationship you’d really like to have. There are many different reasons it can be difficult. I can tell from your message that this is causing you a lot of distress and frustration though. I’d really encourage you to connect with a counsellor for support. These are normal issues to bring to a counsellor or psychologist and they’re often able to bring clarity to the situation and help you come up with some strategies to move you towards your goals. They can also sometimes identify any barriers that are making it difficult. Barriers can be things like: avoiding meeting new people or simply misunderstanding the steps required for certain kinds of relationship to develop. Your GP (general practitioner) is often a good place to start because they can recommend someone and potentially provide you with a mental health plan so you can receive a Medicare rebate. If you’re not quite ready to take that step, try a free and anonymous counselling service like Mens Line 1300 78 99 78. Hope that helps.
I’m already in therapy lol! Prior to covid I was very social and meeting new people frequently, as well as hanging out with new people frequently.
Thanks for sharing, I know these things can be difficult.
This is a very difficult situation you’re in.
You’re not a creep for wanting to develop a sexual relationship with a woman, and although it may feel like no woman would one, many women can and do enjoy more casual sex and friends with benefits. However, clear communication and a certain directedness has to be present as to make sure you’re both doing right by each other. The difference between a creep and somehow who can honestly, respectfully, and clearly proclaim what they want is significant.
All the best
Thanks everyone for your input, I”m still really struggling with this stuff but maybe I’ll make progress.