I’m not sure if this problem is more mental or physical. So I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 9 months. We have sex once a week, but I’m never able to finish, and I’m not sure why. I masturbate a few times a week with no issue, and I can masturbate when we’re together just fine, but i just can’t orgasm when we have sex. She doesn’t mind that i can’t finish, but i really do mind. Anyone have any ideas?
Hi @alwaysontheline, Nurse Nettie here. What you’ve described is really common. Despite expectations, there’s lots of people don’t always reach orgasm during sex, yet still experience pleasure. You’re right, there could be physical causes like hormones & medical conditions that affect the nerves, blood circulation & medications that may affect sexual functioning. There are also psychological causes like stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue &….frustration that causes problems too.
It sounds like it’s not a physical problem as you can orgasm during masturbation. If you’re in any doubt about this it’s ok to talk about it with your doctor.
It’s great that your partner is understanding. Things that may help is to relax & focus on the moment (the here & now) during foreplay. Talk to her. Let her know what feels good for you & ask her what she likes too. Take your time to learn & share what each of you find enjoyable without thinking of the end game. With the right amount of continual stimulation it may eventually lead to orgasm. Masturbation whether mutual or solo is a normal part of sex so it’s completely ok too.
Thanks so much for the replies! To clarify a little more about my situation, I am on meds for ADHD and anxiety, but I spoke to my psychiatrist, and they said those shouldnt interfere with sexual activity. I will say that this is the first real relationship that I have ever been in, so doing stuff with another person is new-ish to me; and, by that I mean that I understand the concepts, I just hadnt put them into practice until this relationship. I do feel kinda embarrassed reaching out to my doctor about it, but not enough, I dont think, to not want to see if they have any ideas. As I said in the original post, this has done nothing to harm the relationship, but it is something I want to (have to) overcome.
@alwaysontheline It’s great that you’ve brought it up with your psychiatrist and ruled out the meds as an issue.
Most likely, there isn’t any physical problem. It takes time for most people to learn how to reach orgasm with a partner. Finishing by masturbating with your girlfriend is quite common and normal. If you want to orgasm with her other ways too, it may just be a matter of experimentation and practice.
Having a caring and supportive girlfriend is a great start. It’s also important that you’re not judging yourself! It sounds to me like you’re doing all the right things.