People like to joke about long-term relationships being sex-less but is it true, is it normal? What do you all think? I personally find I go through weeks where its on and weeks in which I have little interest.
I think it’s a shame that people worry so quickly about weeks of no interest/no sex. It happens! I think it would get a bit straining if it occurred for extended periods of time, though. I’m at four years in my relationship and I would say our sex life has been fairly consistent throughout (I don’t know if that’s really long term, though!)
I agree – also good to note that some people don’t even value or rate sex as that much of a deal to a relationship. For me it’s all about how tired or lazy I am, which sounds terrible, but in a long term relationship lets face it, we often neglect things that were everything at the start. I barely ever get dressed up to go out anymore however once in a while ill make an effort for my gf’s sake. Nobody wants the dag dragging on their arm while out! Food, Booze and Drugs also play SUCH a big role in mood and libido too.
I’m pretty much the same- I can go for weeks where its just ‘meh’, but my partner is the same. It’s maybe more relevant not to look at the frequency of sex in a relationship, but whether you and your partner are on the same page about your sex life. Come to think of it though, having sex when you’re drunk/tired/high/just ate your weight in food is normally a bit of a let down, and it’s something that I don’t bother with anymore, which is kind of a bonus?? That might just be me though!
My partner can’t go more than 2 days without starting to thrust at me lol but in my previous relo we (3 years) we got a point of once a week… maybe twice…
new guy claims that that’s just him and in his last reel (10 years) that never changed. but I get in moods where I am just like CBF and he just frustrated then I feel bad that I am not satisfying him enough… argh
I think it is super interesting how much everybody seems to stress about the frequency of sex within a long-term relationship. Obviously sex can be such an important part of a bond, and therefore we turn to it for signs of relationship problems or successes. I’ve never been in a very long-term relationship and therefore have not seen sex patterns change much, however I really do believe it is just another one of those things that alters from person to person and is not necessarily indicative of larger problems.
I agree with @Zah, regardless of the frequency, I think its really important that both parties are on the same page. That no one feels like its too much or not enough, unhappy etc. I think this also goes back to being able to communicate if you’re happy or not.
What do you think you can do if your desires don’t match up in a relationship? (It’s pretty rare that they do for a whole relationship!) When you talk about it and the conversation is sort of like –
Partner 1: I would like to have more sex with you please.
Partner 2: I am happy with the amount of sex we are having and am not interested in having more.
You obviously can’t force a partner to have sex with you, so what do you do? There are a lot of things that are needed to make a relationship work but is it wrong to say “I actually really need to have sex with you right now” when it’s ok to say “I really need you to do the dishes right now” ? How do you compromise?
I’ve had to do that @HoneyPot. We compromised by having some sex more weeks when we were both feeling it, and less sex in other weeks. It worked for us.
@HoneyPot Not sure how you would compromise on that at all tbh because I’m in that situation at the moment! My partner LOVES sex, but we haven’t had any sex in months because our relationship hasn’t been too great so I don’t feel like having sexy times. They don’t like that we’re not having sex but it’s just hard for me to get in the mood for it when emotionally we aren’t doing so well.
@HoneyPot I am sorry to hear that. it is such a difficult situation when your relo isn’t doing great. Are you guys talking about the lack of sex and what isn’t doing so great in the relationship?
@Aunt_Flo my partner and I am the same but its not like we have had in depth convo about it, it’s kind of just like we both know that some weeks we will have more sex than others weeks cause that is live
Thanks @Aunt_Flo, thats sort of what we do but it’s still not ideal. Everything else in our relationship is awesome and the conversation just goes in a circle of “I want more sex” and “I don’t.” AWKS!
But i suppose that is part of life! Cause when we do have sex it’s amazing and we both love it.
@HoneyPot it’s still hard for me too. I’m on the ‘want it more’ side and it’s quite hard to ask without feeling a bit guilty/inappropriate. We’ve had a few discussions about it, because it does affect my confidence even though it shouldn’t. I basically made the point that if my partner could go either way with picking sex or say, watching a movie, sometimes it would be good to pick sex.
I totally get what you mean @Aunt_Flo ! It messes with my confidence too. Especially being in a monogamous relationship, sometimes I’m like – Well I’m only getting sex from you and I’m not getting it from you. I think that’s a really fair point too! I find it so hard, cause I don’t want my partner to feel bad if he’s not feeling it, but I don’t want to feel bad cause it’s made me feel unsexy and unwanted, and It’s hard being rejected.