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  • #106465
    DeftRat
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    Please let me know if this has been touched on, but I was wondering how people felt about having sex on the first date? Is it a no go for some people, do others like to play it by ear? I am all for it and keen for it as I am keen to find out my sexual compatibility with a person, so open to sex on the first date, but also understand that other people are uncomfortable with it. Keen to hear how others feel about it and how they negotiate sex when they start seeing someone

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    #111643
    champagnepapi
    Moderator
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    I also want to add a thought to this: people who say “don’t sleep with them on the first date if you want a relationship”, is there any truth to this statement? Do people actually lose interest if you “put out” too soon? I’ve never personally slept with anyone on the first date but I have mates who took someone home on the first night and then ended up dating for a while. 

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    #111644
    CloakOfAsh
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    Sometimes I think it helps keep the early excitement if you wait etc but I don’t think there is any hard or fast rules. Do what feels right for you!

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    #111645
    MintMilanoMintMilano
    Moderator
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    @DeftRat I definitely agree for terms of sexual compatibility, but I also don’t mind taking the time a little bit. It can be fun to discover new things about a new parter. It really just depends on the person, I guess. I don’t think have a hard and fast yes/no policy is all that helpful anyway. Just sets up expectations that might be unrealistic. 
    @champagnepapi I don’t believe that statement to be true personally but I’m sure there’s people who have a more conservative view about when the best time to have sex in a new relationship is. If someone doesn’t follow up after sex on the first date, I suppose there’s a chance that that person wasn’t really interested in pursuing a relationship anyway? rather than having broken some unspoken rule about first date sex 

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    #111646
    PurplePurple
    Moderator
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    I have had one night stands when it was obviously going to be a one time thing, but I never have sex on the first date. Mostly because even if I really like the person I usually don’t feel entirely comfortable becoming intimate when I don’t really know them and are looking for a relationship. One night stands are fun, but I find sex to be better when you actually know/really like the person so if I’m actually dating someone I’ll wait probably about a month to be honest. 

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    #111647
    DeftRat
    Participant
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    @champagnepapi I think it depends person to person. My current boyfriend and I slept together the first time we met (it was actually just a hook up) and we have now been together for over 4 years. Strange things happen. 
    Totally agree @MintMilano. I’ve had relationships with people where there has never been any sex, but we are interested in each other, but all we have done is learn about each other. There’s something to be said for just being inquisitive about someone and wanting to really find out what makes them tick. It’s fun and you can really learn something from it, and not just about them.
    @jessica it’s good to know you’re boundaries when you’re dating and what you want out of the sex with them.

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    #111648
    HoneyPot
    Moderator
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    Thanks so much for bringing this up @DeftRat ! This is such an interesting topic and a really gendered one as well I think.
    I have had sex on the first date and never seen them again and had sex on the first date and had relationships that lasted years, so it really does just depend on the person.
    I remember once having sex after an initial tinder date with a man and my friend saying “don’t you think it’s better to make him wait?”
    I find this attitude so disheartening! As though (straight) sex is something a woman “withholds” and then “gifts” to a man once he “deserves” it.

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    #111649
    HoneyPot
    Moderator
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    #111650
    PurplePurple
    Moderator
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    @HoneyPot I love that little flow chart! So cute. And completely agree about the whole ‘make him wait for it’ thing – if you want to do something do it. However, I also think that kind of thinking speaks to the fact that a lot of women believe men will immediately become disinterested as soon as intimacy is on the cards, which I think says a lot.

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    #111651
    DeftRat
    Participant
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    @HoneyPot I second @jessica on this. This flow chart is amazing. You brought up such a good point that sex on the first date and what you decide to do is very gendered. It seems that it’s different to straight men, straight women, and then even again to gay men and women. A lot of the reasons that come up for having sex or not having sex on the first date are culturally contrived and I think this flow chart is really effective for working through some of those thoughts that particularly women might have. Communication is the key

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    #111652
    ElleBelle
    Participant
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    That flow chart is amazing! I do love a good flow chart.

    I’ve had exactly three serious relationships and I did not sleep with any of them on the first date. One because he was a virgin & wasn’t ready, one because I had my period and one because we were constantly surrounded by friends and there was nowhere to go. During a bit of a relationship dry-spell I did an experiment to see if not sleeping with someone for a couple of dates would be more likely to result in a relationship, but it didn’t seem to make a difference. So despite my anec-data I don’t think it matters either way. I have more than a handful of mates who are in long-term relationships with people they met for hook-ups on Tinder. One couple is even getting married in a couple of months.

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    #111653
    DeftRat
    Participant
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    I love that you engaged yourself in a little social experimentation @ElleBelle. At least you have some first hand experience to go by. I like that this discussion has dispelled a lot of myths that people might have about sex on the first date, although I still feel there is social stigma associated with this which needs to be overcome. If you want to have sex on the first date I say go for it, enjoy yourself and have fun! I feel like fun with the person needs to be the priority

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    #111654
    CookieMonster
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    Honestly I don’t think that matter especially in todays society with apps like Tinder and Bumble. My ex and I met at a pub and I went home with him …we where together for 3 years….

    I think it comes down to what you are comfortable with and like @HoneyPot’s flow chart communication is key. You can’t expect a relationship from someone who is only there for sex you’ll end up getting hurt. On a side note though personally I wouldn’t want any kind of relo with anyone who would judge me for having sex on the first date. Sex is such an important aspect of a relationship, without sex you are just friends and if your partner can’t satisfy your needs will it really work??? 

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    #111655
    CloakOfAsh
    Participant
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    @HoneyPot thank flow chart is awesome! I love the comedy in it too! @ElleBelle love your ‘research’!!

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    #111656
    mak_trouble891
    Participant
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    Couldn’t have said it better myself guys! The flowchart is awesome and I totally agree with you @DeftRat communication is absolutely key. 
    And just to add @CookieMonster for a majority of people sex is a really important part of a relationship, but for some it’s not and that’s ok. If the chemistry isn’t there but you want to be more than friends it’s important to be able to communicate!! Especially ones wants, desires and needs in relation to sex with their partner and chemistry. 

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