So I’ve been with my partner for almost a year now. We have a great and healthy sex life, but a couple of weeks ago I started to realise something – we’re very quiet/non-verbal whenever we have sex. We’re usually good at communicating, and we rarely fight because we can raise issues and discuss them without getting upset. But I’ve started to notice there’s things I would like him to do that he isn’t necessarily doing. Previous partners have been able to get there more intuitively, but my current partner needs a little more guidance/direction. Sometimes he gets there, but other times he doesn’t – usually because I’m trying to give him more non-verbal cues instead of just spelling it out for him and telling him.
Does anyone else encounter these issues? When too much talking in the bedroom feels a bit awkward. I’ve started being more vocal in telling him to do things but it feels a bit one sided because he doesn’t really do the same. So then I’m worried about being too pushy! It’s a vicious cycle haha just wondering if anyone else can relate, or have ideas for how to not be awkward about talking during sex.
I’ve personally always had issues communicating in the bedroom because I found it so embarrassing? But then I started seeing someone who showed me how important it is to verbally communicate in some circumstances because the point of sex really is pleasure, and if I’m not feeling good I should say something.]
Maybe your partner is embarrassed to ask you what to do or like etc? Or maybe they’re embarrassed to tell you what they want? I guess the best thing to do to find out is to have a chat when you’re not having sexy time and go from there.
Recently I’ve gotten better at talking about sex with my partner, in the bedroom and outside of. It’s made things a lot better because we know how to make each other feel good. Talking in the bedroom doesn’t need to feel like a chore, maybe try incorporating it as a form of foreplay?
I read somewhere that people are more likely to do things if they have positive feelings attached to them – so maybe if you were in the moment and he did something you liked you can be like “i love when you do that, don’t stop”. Once he knows that whatever he’s doing is working he’s gonna keep doing it. Just a bit of classical conditioning theory. 😉 haha.
Hey MintMilano, I totally get where you’re coming from regarding communication in the bedroom. Sometimes even if you’re been with someone for a while it’s difficult to say what it is you want them to do. That’s so awesome that you’re good at communicating too. You say that you’re giving him non verbal cues, do you think he would respond well if you were a bit more direct and spelled it out as you said? Because if his communication style is just being blunt and upfront and he’s okay with you being direct then I don’t see what’s wrong with telling him exactly what you want.
@champagnepapi ooh I love the whole positivity vibe!! 10/10 yessss
@purple good point about communication styles!! I often forget not everyone has the same way of communicating,,,, I’ll try and keep this is mind in the future too!
Does anyone have tips on what to say in the bedroom when you run out of things to say? Or have trouble thinking of something sexy to keep the mood going? I can only say ‘aahh that feels so good’ so many times haha
@tea I feel like talking and communication is important to a point, like saying whether something feels good or doesn’t feel good, or asking if they or you can do something specific, but other than that there’s not a whole real lot that has to be said? or like suggesting to switch positions or try something new, all pretty practical and useless things to talk about during sex. but unless you’re attempting to do dirty talk and get into some verbal role play or something, I feel like any other talking or conversation can wait til you’re done?
@champagnepapi I’ve read that too! It puts a sexy spin on the communication.
@tea I used to be really into dirty talk and then sort of…stopped? I guess. Haha, I think I ran out of things to say as well. I notice I mainly just moan or use touch to indicate how I’m feeling, which seems to have the same effect tbh.
I really only speak up if something doesn’t feel great or if I’d prefer to change positions.
Totally true @mintmilano, I suppose communication can be a whole lot more than talking too!
@aunt_flo OMG, yes the running out of things to say is something I really struggled with too! What more can I say other than “mm that feels so good” but you’re so right, little noises and things like that can be just as effective.
Sometimes things just get so hot and heavy I forget to say anything at all!
So pleased you brought this thread back @tea. Talking during sex is something I’m SO BAD at. Not like I don’t know how to communicate if something’s good, it’s more that I chat during sex – sooooo not the right time and place to discuss grocery shopping. It was a real frustration with my ex-partner that I couldn’t be ‘sexy’ and dirty talk so to speak, and i’d have to try hard not to talk about random subjects during sex. We even joked about getting me a gag at one stage haha.
I think it comes back to me not feeling sexy generally, so I couldn’t put on a sexy persona. It’s something I’m trying to work on to become more sexually confident.
sooooo not the right time and place to discuss grocery shopping.
LMAO @yogigirl yeah probably not the best place to bring that one up!!! Ooh actually, I never thought about the disconnect between body and mind in that way, of not ‘feeling sexy’ so not being able to ‘act sexy’! I think I’m the same in that way, I don’t really view myself as a sexy person so it can be hard to put things into practice.
This is such an interesting topic. #sexchat I think from my experience, some partners make you feel sexy and comfortable and they’re easy to talk to – ask what you’re into – and asking for what you want, when you want it, is part of the fun. Other times, these conversations just don’t seem to happen naturally.
Something I’m recently liking is asking BEFORE “what do you like?”… I have to say it was refreshing when a partner asked me this in a normal conversation so I didn’t have to try and be sexy while answering. Which made it much less awkward.
I think that’ll be my new tactic. I really have disliked the feeling of “telling them what to do” in the moment – it can feel like you’re being bossy or demanding.
During sex, I try to ask “does that feel good for you?” …and hopefully they then ask the same thing back. It’s a work in progress.
This is such a great thread. Communication during sex – heck yes!
@mssunshine that is a great question “does that feel good for you?” but also throwing it out there “that feels good for me!”
Calling on those 5 Love Languages here too… thinking about if ‘Words of Affirmation’ is your sexual partners love language I guess throwing out a compliment during sex could be a fun way to talk during sex? Although even if that’s not your Love Language I think a compliment during sex has gotta be a good thing, right?
Do you know your top Love Language? Do you know your sexual partners? Hey – that could be a convo starter!
And of course I love that enthusiastic consent has been linked to this thread. Consent = sexy!